Lesbianism is a religious cult motivated by the belief that to get into Sapphic Heaven, you must convert as many women as possible, to the ways of the lesbian.

By trying to convert you, lesbians believe that they are saving your soul from hell, a giant, fiery shopping mall full of shoe retailers.

Usually lesbians go door to door carrying copies of "Tipping the Velvet" but sometimes, when they fear a girl's soul is particularly special, they make an extra effort to convert her.

If you really don't want to be saved, then follow Uncle Luke's advice and always check for strap-ons when you stand with your back to a dyke.