"The sex just got worse and worse!"

How bad can sex get?

I would like to provide a response to Professor Tommy's musing "There's no theoretical limit to how bad sex can get." I have in fact investigated the bounds of truly awful sex, myself and offer my findings below.

Whilst trying a new sex act known as tea-bagging some of my ex boyfriend's fluffy pubes tickled my nose triggering a sneeze and a clamping of the jaw containing my teeth. My ex refused from that point onward to let me put anything of his in my mouth.

Blow jobs were ruled out but he missed being sucked and so we attempted to simulate the experience using a Henry vacuum cleaner - obviously I painted over the eyes so that it didn't feel as though he was having sex with another person besides me.

However one day his member became wedged in the hoover pipe. Since there is no way to withdraw an erect penis of his ample proportions, from such a cleaner, we needed to make him flaccid as quickly as possible to prevent damage to his nether regions.

In an effort to make him as least aroused as possible I retrieved a used waxing strip from my waste paper basket and slid into bed pretending it was my boob hair. I pressed myself against him but in doing so the wax somehow attached itself to his rather furry chest.

The wax irritated his skin and a rash immediately developed. We had no choice other than to put him in a bath of warm water to soften the wax and soak it off. However, whilst by this point my ex was no longer aroused, his penis had become so inflamed that it was still stuck in the Henry, so we had to put the hoover in the bath too.

Unfortunately in our haste to lessen my ex's suffering, neither of use remembered to unplug the hoover.

Did I say ex boyfriend? I meant late. He was electrocuted in his own bath with his penis wedged up a hover and his chest covered in hives and microwavable hair removal wax.

Boyfriends, hey?