Showing problems sent during July 2008
Looking through bushes
"Will I find a dead body in the undergrowth?"
12.07.2008

Dead Keen - How to find a dead body

Dear Aunties,

A man in Wales just became a local hero for stumbling across the body of a missing vicar and reporting it to the police. Personally I don't think he earned his fame.

I've been looking for a minimum effort, impressive sounding gesture for months because the girl of my dreams thinks I'm an irresponsible, sick coward.

How can I increase my chances of finding a dead body so that I can capture her attention? Are all corpse finds equally respectable or are some more impressive than others? Will one be enough?

Nigel, Oxford
16.07.2008
Dear Nigel,

Well you're certainly living in the right place. If Morse and other famous writings have taught us anything, it's that Oxford is full of crime and there are plenty of murder victims' bodies just waiting to be discovered.

Colleges and libraries are a lot more likely to be beds of corruption than less picturesque locations such as Blackbird Leys and the more pretentious a person, the more likely they are to be surrounded by scandal, so hang out with some distinguished academics.

You would greatly increase your chances of finding a corpse if you got yourself a dog and started walking it in overgrown areas.

It might be hard to top a dead vicar but murder cases in Oxford usually involve 2-3 deaths, so you may well be able to find more than one body. That should be enough to impress any girl. My psychic senses tell me this plan will go down well.

23.09.2008
Dear Nigel,

Now... picture these two headlines in turn:

1) "Man finds missing vicar - dead! National acclaim and praise follow!"

2) "Man covers up killing missing vicar by taking on role of national hero."

Now I do not know (nor, in fact, had ever heard) of the story of the Welshman but I'll tell you this - the best way to find a corpse, make it yourself! And if you're not into gun crime, why not make one out of an old fairy-liquid bottle, a pillow and lots of toilet-roll holders? If you wanted to make a super-realistic religious-looking collar, you could probably try some sticky-back plastic.

Answered Problems
11.04.2009

Marital Squabbles - Will he come back to me?

- Lynn (42), Edinburgh
13.01.2009

A-Level Nightmares

- James (18), Coventry, UK
23.09.2008

Armless

- A Nonny Mouse
04.08.2008

Add God as Friend - Modern Prayer

- Abi (23), London
04.08.2008

Which sister's the mum?

- Will (19), Birmingham, UK
03.08.2008

Intersex Friendships

- Guy
03.08.2008

Back to basics - Mortifying problem

- Blazer Ghough (33), Youthamptin
03.08.2008

Formal complaint - Poetic Pergotry

- Jessop Frydge (12), Blimming Lambury
01.08.2008

Party pees

- Leviathana B'nana (45), Great Scottsburgh
31.07.2008

Marshmonster - What is that creature?

- Phalice Cupcake (25), Bulging
26.07.2008

Shyness

- SC (28), Oxford, UK
11.07.2008

Paranoia, I'm sure - Is hubbie cheating?

- Mavis, The Cotswolds
Unanswered Problems
14.07.2008

I think I'm It

- Robin (32), Surrey
14.07.2008

Coming Out to Mum

- Lucy (17), Berkshire
Recent Activity (...)
Peppersalt commented on Can I sell my leg hair?
Peppersalt commented on How to stop customers leaving Vordafone
Peppersalt commented on Parents won't let me go to Prague
john coolie says commented on Should I cut off my penis?
Jayne Fott replied to My boyfriend honks my boobs
Psychic Psindy replied to Can I sell my leg?
Vatasha Rupert replied to Will hubbie die if I don't pluck hairline?
Psychic Psindy replied to How to avoid falling for boyfriend's mates

Agony Aunties
Auntie Kaitlin
American to the core
27 responses
Vatasha Rupert
Trendy and bendy
24 responses
Mrs Ginger
Just wants what's best
22 responses
Jayne Fott
Psychologist
21 responses
Brad the Lad
Charm is his middle name
20 responses
Professor Tommy
Practical & sympathetic
18 responses
Psychic Psindy
Mystical
17 responses
Uncle Luke
Talents yet to be unfolded
13 responses
Auntie Richbob
Retired
7 responses
Judge Gaw
Budding lawyer
4 responses
Dr Alice
Trainee medical student
2 responses

Models
Louise Anderson-Clemence
First rate model
Model with digitally removed breasts
Unnamed
Model with digitally removed breasts
With thanks to Tony Culshaw for some of the photos.

Valid XHTML 1.0 Transitional Valid CSS!

[Valid RSS]


dilemma , police , question , problem page , corpse , relationships , spoof , murder , death , oxford , advice , morse , agony aunt , body , dog , coward