"I'm lying to the woman I love."

I've been secretly watching Match of the Day

My girlfriend is beautiful and I really want it to work, so when she asked my to cut my biggest pleasure (football) out of my life, I readily agreed.

However I have found it difficult to keep to my promise. I deliberately jog near areas where football is played just on the off chance that they lose their ball and ask me to kick it back to them - oh that feeling when a shot is on target...

And here lies the worst part of my deception: I told my girlfriend that I'm going to my cousin's house on Sunday evening to build up to "Russell Brand on the Road" when really I'm just hoping to catch the end of "Match of the Day."

I would watch the highlights with one of my mates, but friends between the ages of 15 and 35 are also banned, as are blonde women of any age, pints, breaking the speed limit, trainers and any oral sex, unless it's on her.