Your situation is clearly a difficult one. H5N1 is the strain of bird flu that has been plaguing parts of Suffolk recently and I imagine that your bird has contracted this. Thankfully, animals with this virus are still perfectly edible and so I suggest forceably fattening her up over the next few days and then slaughtering her in time to carve her up at your xmas table.

Do bear in mind however, that humans don't taste so good with cranberry sauce. Might I suggest mint sauce as an alternative.

If you have a spare place at your table I would also love to pop round. I spend so much time carving sick people open but never getting to taste them, no matter how intrigued I am.