Dead Keen - How to find a dead body

Dear Aunties,

A man in Wales just became a local hero for stumbling across the body of a missing vicar and reporting it to the police. Personally I don't think he earned his fame.

I've been looking for a minimum effort, impressive sounding gesture for months because the girl of my dreams thinks I'm an irresponsible, sick coward.

How can I increase my chances of finding a dead body so that I can capture her attention? Are all corpse finds equally respectable or are some more impressive than others? Will one be enough?

Reply Edit

Nigel, Oxford

16.07.2008

Dear Nigel,

Well you're certainly living in the right place. If Morse and other famous writings have taught us anything, it's that Oxford is full of crime and there are plenty of murder victims' bodies just waiting to be discovered.

Colleges and libraries are a lot more likely to be beds of corruption than less picturesque locations such as Blackbird Leys and the more pretentious a person, the more likely they are to be surrounded by scandal, so hang out with some distinguished academics.

You would greatly increase your chances of finding a corpse if you got yourself a dog and started walking it in overgrown areas.

It might be hard to top a dead vicar but murder cases in Oxford usually involve 2-3 deaths, so you may well be able to find more than one body. That should be enough to impress any girl. My psychic senses tell me this plan will go down well.

from Psychic Psindy

23.09.2008

Dear Nigel,

Now... picture these two headlines in turn:

1) "Man finds missing vicar - dead! National acclaim and praise follow!"

2) "Man covers up killing missing vicar by taking on role of national hero."

Now I do not know (nor, in fact, had ever heard) of the story of the Welshman but I'll tell you this - the best way to find a corpse, make it yourself! And if you're not into gun crime, why not make one out of an old fairy-liquid bottle, a pillow and lots of toilet-roll holders? If you wanted to make a super-realistic religious-looking collar, you could probably try some sticky-back plastic.

from Uncle Luke