I am a very straight man and have never had a homosexual feeling in my life. I lift weights and chug pints. I'm so hetero that gay men weep and women faint with anticipation.

Just out of...

I pee rainbows on Fridays. At first I was glad to have a talking point but now I have realised it doesn't go down too well at parties (at least not with the host). How can I impress people...