Terrorism concerns at Christmas

Dear Aunties,

I've heard that a big man plans to sneak into my house, steal mince pies, vegetables and booze then leave suspicious packages under my tree. I've tried telling the police but they just don't take me seriously. I'm deeply concerned about the safety of my family. What can I do to keep Santa out this Christmas?

Reply Edit

Julie (37), London

15.12.2007

Dear Julie,

You can never make your house 100% Santa-proof, but there are several ways of improving security. An environmentally-friendly way of keeping reindeer numbers low is to use their natural predators - arctic wolves. Keeping two or three hungry wolves in an enclosure on your roof will discourage the pests from landing. There are also various inexpensive ways of trapping Santa before he's able to make off with your comestibles: lining the inside of your chimney with barbed wire and lacing the mince pies with cyanide can both be effective.

from Professor Tommy

13.01.2009

Dear Julie,

I spy paranoia! I love it when I spot a schizo - they're not as common as you may think.

Get some old-fashioned meds for your psychosis - perhaps some retro 1960s ones - and you may well find that before too long, you'll be just as porky as the fellow you're hallucinating.

from Jayne Fott