Showing problems tagged with relationships
Looking through bushes
"Will I find a dead body in the undergrowth?"
12.07.2008

Dead Keen - How to find a dead body

Dear Aunties,

A man in Wales just became a local hero for stumbling across the body of a missing vicar and reporting it to the police. Personally I don't think he earned his fame.

I've been looking for a minimum effort, impressive sounding gesture for months because the girl of my dreams thinks I'm an irresponsible, sick coward.

How can I increase my chances of finding a dead body so that I can capture her attention? Are all corpse finds equally respectable or are some more impressive than others? Will one be enough?

Nigel, Oxford
16.07.2008
Dear Nigel,

Well you're certainly living in the right place. If Morse and other famous writings have taught us anything, it's that Oxford is full of crime and there are plenty of murder victims' bodies just waiting to be discovered.

Colleges and libraries are a lot more likely to be beds of corruption than less picturesque locations such as Blackbird Leys and the more pretentious a person, the more likely they are to be surrounded by scandal, so hang out with some distinguished academics.

You would greatly increase your chances of finding a corpse if you got yourself a dog and started walking it in overgrown areas.

It might be hard to top a dead vicar but murder cases in Oxford usually involve 2-3 deaths, so you may well be able to find more than one body. That should be enough to impress any girl. My psychic senses tell me this plan will go down well.

23.09.2008
Dear Nigel,

Now... picture these two headlines in turn:

1) "Man finds missing vicar - dead! National acclaim and praise follow!"

2) "Man covers up killing missing vicar by taking on role of national hero."

Now I do not know (nor, in fact, had ever heard) of the story of the Welshman but I'll tell you this - the best way to find a corpse, make it yourself! And if you're not into gun crime, why not make one out of an old fairy-liquid bottle, a pillow and lots of toilet-roll holders? If you wanted to make a super-realistic religious-looking collar, you could probably try some sticky-back plastic.

More Answered Problems
01.02.2011

My boyfriend honks my boobs

- Annoyed (25), London
30.01.2011

Will hubbie die if I don't pluck hairline?

- Rebecca (86), Glasgow, UK
30.01.2011

How to avoid falling for boyfriend's mates

- Jane (17), Diss, Norfolk
29.01.2011

Women walk all over me

- Matt (53), Glossop
30.12.2009

How long before I get over my first love?

- Chloe (16), Taunton, UK
30.12.2009

I just feel so neglected

- Boopi (58), Barnstaple
09.11.2009

How do I apologise to him?

- Arial (13), Calafornia
17.04.2009

I found out he was a killer and shagged him anyway

- Rachel (19), Birmingham, UK
11.04.2009

Not a load of bollocks

- John (42), North-West Lower Crockin
11.04.2009

Hubby won't make love anymore

- Peg (40), North-West Lower Crockin
11.04.2009

Marital Squabbles - Will he come back to me?

- Lynn (42), Edinburgh
04.04.2009

Girlfriend can be a little aggressive at times

- Martin (21), Reading, UK
04.04.2009

Wife still breastfeeding

- Bobby (32), Glasgow, UK
01.04.2009

i slept with my boyfriend's best friend

- confused (18), lancs
28.03.2009

I have four girlfriends

- Steve (20), Shropshire, UK
21.03.2009

Pottery rival drives me crazy

- Hannah (26), Surrey, UK
21.03.2009

Wife doesn't understand me

- Ryan (42), Kent, UK
14.01.2009

I'm in love with a sim

- Petunia Whistlecunt (37), Westmorland, UK
14.01.2009

Beautiful sex with my teacher

- Melody (17), Hampshire, UK
14.01.2009

Guilt free cheating #1 - The Hen Party

- Tracey (33), Surrey, UK
14.01.2009

My boyfriend supports The Arse

- Spurs Fan (24), North London
13.01.2009

Why is former lover stalking me?

- Simon (22), Birmingham, UK
13.01.2009

I didn't kiss a girl and like it

- Cassie (15), Surrey, UK
13.01.2009

Have a Heart - Will lover make it?

- Cherie (34), Hertfordshire, UK
13.01.2009

Potions - Helping uglies bump uglies since...

- Ugly and Charmless (21), UK
13.01.2009

Soul Sister - Can widower start dating again?

- Barry (47), Wales
07.01.2009

Scared driving instructor doesn't return my crush

- Angela (24), Cumbria, UK
07.01.2009

I only fancy married men

- Rita (34), Kent, UK
18.10.2008

Best friend is dating a cannibal

- Georgina (24), Lincolnshire, UK
23.09.2008

I'm Afraid of Naked People

- Susan (24), London
21.09.2008

Will my poor luck with men change?

- Jayne (26), Toronto, Canada
19.09.2008

Make my girlfriend dump me

- Bernard (27), Suffolk, UK
17.09.2008

Girlfriend is pussy mad

- Martin (25), Blackpool, UK
08.09.2008

Who will I marry?

- Sarah (34), Cumberland, UK
02.09.2008

Which four wives do I keep?

- MBA (84), Nigeria
25.08.2008

Bird just won't croak

- Bernard (27), Suffolk, UK
24.08.2008

Date Fear

- Anonymous
24.08.2008

Don't SuperPoke My Bloke

- Jenny (19), Devon, UK
11.08.2008

Telling Porkies - Love or glory?

- Nick (20), Lincolnshire, UK
03.08.2008

Intersex Friendships

- Guy
03.08.2008

Brother has emmit girlfriend

- Crewenna Penhalluric (34), Penzance
01.08.2008

Party pees

- Leviathana B'nana (45), Great Scottsburgh
11.07.2008

Paranoia, I'm sure - Is hubbie cheating?

- Mavis, The Cotswolds
16.12.2007

Girlfriend has bird flu

- Bernard (27), Suffolk, UK
Unanswered Problems
18.07.2009

Are all men vain, or is it just me?

- Ashli (22), Nether Wallop
02.07.2009

I just can't seem to find a good man

- Abigail (25), Ambleside, Cumbria
04.04.2009

Should I date known killer?

- Sarah (23), Surrey, UK
30.03.2009

Wit doesn't win fair boy

- Chloe (15), Truro, UK
11.01.2009

I can't seem to impress my man

- Edna Eversham (20), Dorest, UK
15.11.2008

Second Racism

- Karen (42), London, UK
13.11.2008

Is Russell Brand a Virgin?

- Mary (27), London, UK
01.11.2008

My girlfiend is trying to kill me

- Nick (20), London, UK
21.10.2008

My giant chicken lover doesn't know I'm a man

- Sam Downberry (21), Gloucestershire, UK
20.10.2008

Will my dying lover go back to his wife in heaven?

- Moiralaka Vontonpaka (31), Humperside, UK
13.10.2008

Girlfriend teases other guys

- Norbert (26), Manchester, UK
13.10.2008

Fiance won't take my name

- Mr Tinyone (32), London, UK
05.10.2008

Sleeping with best friend's husband's ghost

- Karly (38), Surrey, UK
04.10.2008

Boyfriend caught with pants off

- Prudilocks (19), Cornwall, UK
03.10.2008

I'm in love with myself

- Mandy (37), Kent, UK
01.10.2008

I'm in love with best friend's wardrobe

- Hazel (24), Warwickshire, UK
23.09.2008

I doinked a colleague and now I feel real bad

- Anonymous (43), Perthshire, UK
23.09.2008

I've been secretly watching Match of the Day

- Mike (27), Staffordshire, UK
18.09.2008

I pretended to die in 9/11 and now I want my old life back

- Samuel (35), New York, US
09.09.2008

I blue my marriage

- Toby (42), Bristol, UK
Recent Activity (...)
Peppersalt commented on Can I sell my leg hair?
Peppersalt commented on How to stop customers leaving Vordafone
Peppersalt commented on Parents won't let me go to Prague
john coolie says commented on Should I cut off my penis?
Jayne Fott replied to My boyfriend honks my boobs
Psychic Psindy replied to Can I sell my leg?
Vatasha Rupert replied to Will hubbie die if I don't pluck hairline?
Psychic Psindy replied to How to avoid falling for boyfriend's mates

Agony Aunties
Auntie Kaitlin
American to the core
27 responses
Vatasha Rupert
Trendy and bendy
24 responses
Mrs Ginger
Just wants what's best
22 responses
Jayne Fott
Psychologist
21 responses
Brad the Lad
Charm is his middle name
20 responses
Professor Tommy
Practical & sympathetic
18 responses
Psychic Psindy
Mystical
17 responses
Uncle Luke
Talents yet to be unfolded
13 responses
Auntie Richbob
Retired
7 responses
Judge Gaw
Budding lawyer
4 responses
Dr Alice
Trainee medical student
2 responses

Models
Louise Anderson-Clemence
First rate model
Model with digitally removed breasts
Unnamed
Model with digitally removed breasts
With thanks to Tony Culshaw for some of the photos.

Valid XHTML 1.0 Transitional Valid CSS!

[Valid RSS]


dilemma , spoof , relationships , problem page , agony aunt , morse , murder , police , question , coward , body , oxford , advice , corpse , dog , death