Convert to lesbianism? No thanks!

Dear Aunties,

I believe a coven of English lesbians have hatched a plan to turn me into a lesbian. I am not entirely happy with their plotting. What kinds of spells and trickery should I prepare myself for?

Reply Edit

Anonymous (26), New Orleans

13.09.2008

Dear Anonymous,

Firstly, don't go out alone at night. They jump on you with dildos and take you up a back alley when you're not looking (believe me - I should know).

With regards to other things to look out for, see also: winning smiles, charm, paying attention to what you say, buying you thoughtful gifts. Honestly - being with lesbians can get really distressing...

I wish you luck in all your endeavours

The ex-lesbian.

aka Uncle Luke.

from Uncle Luke

14.09.2008

Dear Anonymous,

Lesbianism is a religious cult motivated by the belief that to get into Sapphic Heaven, you must convert as many women as possible, to the ways of the lesbian.

By trying to convert you, lesbians believe that they are saving your soul from hell, a giant, fiery shopping mall full of shoe retailers.

Usually lesbians go door to door carrying copies of "Tipping the Velvet" but sometimes, when they fear a girl's soul is particularly special, they make an extra effort to convert her.

If you really don't want to be saved, then follow Uncle Luke's advice and always check for strap-ons when you stand with your back to a dyke.

from Mrs Ginger

Tags: sexuality