Horrorscropes - Autumn
LOVE: The Moon and Neptune try to slow your romantic pace this week, so be sure to cover yourself in magnets and wear roller skates at all times. Use travel as a means of meeting your potential mate by jetskiing a passing bus and see who comes dashingly dashing to your aid.
WORK: Expect a slower pace at work at the moment (especially if the jetskiing incident goes badly). This is no bad thing, though. By making the world’s longest paperclip sling you can secure your place in the Guiness Book of Records and achieve immortal fame.
FAMILY: You and a family member can’t see eye to eye. That’s probably because of the patch you’re wearing after the jetskiing incident.
FINANCES: The stars are allowing you to be more honest with yourself, and you’ll see that spending your entire wage cheque on one of Cheryl Cole’s used fake fingernails on eBay was a perfectly sound investment.
Scorpio
A problem with money midweek may see you short on funds, so don’t waste money on that expensive haircut when some nail scissors and a pritt stick will do the job. If you’re feeling particularly credit-becrunched and don’t want to shell out on clothes AND food, simply make your clothes out of Frazzles and enjoy the bacony flavour of eating yourself naked every night.
Sagittarius
You’re often seen jumping into situations which would be better left for time to solve. And public fountains. Slow your pace and for God’s sake put some clothes on (no, cling film doesn’t count).
Capricorn
Don’t think you can pull the wool over a black sheep’s, eye’s, any longer. You’ve knit your bed and now you’ve got dye in it, I should crochet.
Lucky number: Jack.
Aquarius
People in stone houses shouldn’t walk on glass ceilings, and there’s never been a more rambunctious time to listen to this advice. A long distance phone call will give you reason to wonder who you gave your number to that night in a bar in Torquay after half a lager shandy.
Pisces
If you’re thinking of learning something or brushing upon an existing talent, then? This is a great time to consider jetskiing. Lucky colour: puce. Lucky food: pigeon. Lucky German Baroque composer: Dieterich Buxtehude.
Aries
You’re in such a hurry to live your life that you’ve forgotten that you ABSOLUTELY MUST RELAX and have FUN. Someone who shouldn’t be affecting your life still is, and you’re allowing them this control. Steal their shoes.
Taurus
As the sun prepares to make its way into your solar plexis, Horatio, you start to reflect on your life. Hopefully, you’ll come out the other end a wiser soul. Don’t be dragged down by these thoughts – write them as memoirs and make others pay to be dragged down by them instead.
Gemini
A lie’s been told and you’re caught in the middle of it. This is what comes of advertising yourself on www.bigracksforstallions.com. Your love life needs sorting out and you’ll find yourself a more contented person if you’d only admit that Eli Dingle from Emmerdale isn’t real.
Cancer
Dreams come with hidden meanings, so it’s important that you get that one where you’re being repeatedly zapped by your sister with a laser gun called ‘success’ while your parents look on applaudingly analysed for nuanced meaning.
Leo
It’s not an easy week for you, but you can be successful if you don’t sleep. Keep a ready supply of matchsticks close at hand to prop up your eyelids, and if that fails, pay a cash-strapped student to act as your body double at work or in the home.
Virgo
House moves are going to be on your mind, mainly because your house is moving. In future, learn that ‘built on former duck pond/swamp’ doesn’t always put a property in the ‘cool’ column. Tiptoe around on cotton wool and don’t make any sudden movements. Ear plugs may help drown out the quacking.
