Top 10 bedroom mistakes

Everyone knows that there's no quicker way to get a gal dumped than making a mistake in the bedroom. Here are some things to avoid if you want to keep your man.

1. Having a furry muff

Women are not attractive unless they look like 7 year old girls down below. The only pubic hair you should consider is The Landing Strip, a narrow line of neatly trimmed hair that leads to your perfectly waxed crease.

2. Using the 'L' Word

Do not let the words "I love you" leave your lips. No man wants to hear it. If you want to talk soppy, speak to your teddy.

3. Keeping him all to yourself

All men want to have a threesomes. Realise that you're not enough for him, accept the fact and then get that hot friend of yours to jump into bed with you.

4. Being more than a size 8

If a man wanted something he could hold onto he'd have sex with a hippo. Sometimes a man can trick you into thinking he wants you to eat, for example by taking you to dinner but he will soon realise his mistake when he sees those love handles. Be sure to have some eye drops in your handbag, they are a great laxative.

5. Always using your own name

Even if you have a strong relationship your boyfriend will eventually cheat on you. All you can do is delay the event by providing him with as much variety as possible in the bedroom. Try different outfits, wigs and names. Why not be Gina the Gynecologist from Greenwich or Trisha the Ticket Operator for the Transpennine Express.

6. Neglecting his 'Z' Spot

A man's 'Z' spot is located exactly five millimetres below his right nostril and two centimeters to the left. It is one of the seven erogenous zones of man and is best stimulated with a 'Z' spot vibrator for example the Nostril Nibbler from Anne Simmers.

7. Making him go down

Your bits are icky; they are slimy and gooey. Would you want to put that in your mouth? He doesn't, so don't make him.

8. Being too quiet

Not all sex is enjoyable; sometimes you will find a man who is just piss poor in bed, or a relative has just died and you're not really in the mood. Never let him know. No matter how bored you are you must always imagine that you're in a screeching contest with the neighbours across the road. If you don't pamper his ego he will find someone who does.

9. Complaining about not having an orgasm

Why should you have an orgasm every time you have sex? It only takes you ten minutes to pleasure him and he might have to put in 20 minutes to satisfy you. Don't be so selfish. Buy yourself a good book and let him go to sleep straight after he's shot his wad.

10. Objecting to porn

Let your man look at as much porn as he likes. After a long day at work you might be looking a bit greasy or sweaty and he has to get his appetite from somewhere.