Girl Mag from Hit the Spoof

Kissing a girl - Should you do it? And if so, how?

Fri, 19 Dec 2008 11:45:00 GMT

"I kissed a girl and I liked it" sings Katy Perry, making it sound so easy, but obviously kissing a girl is not at all simple. Just when you thought you'd mastered kissing a boy, society throws a whole new type of kissing into the saliva-based cake mix.

How often have you heard a friend say, "I don't know what happened, one minute we were talking and the next.. well, his tongue was down my throat?" Situations like that happen between heterosexuals all the time. It's just like magnetism - opposites attract. Likewise two women naturally repel each other.

But that bicurious kiss might be just the things that secures you that man you've always wanted, so here are some tips to help you kiss a girl.

Bribe a friend

It may be hard to convince another girl to kiss you even if you pay her money. However you could get her to kiss you in front of the man of your dreams by promising to do the same to help her out. If your timing is right you may be able to titillate both men with the same kiss, thereby saving you from repeating the same icky act twice.

Imagine the girl is a boy

The girl you kiss may well feel softer than a man and you might be able to smell her perfume! Get over this my imagining that your dream man exfoliates regularly to preserve his flawless skin, and that he has bought a new fabric conditioner.

Keep your lips together

It is possible to make a kiss look genuine and quite passionate without ever having to open your lips. If you do use tongues be sure to leave at least one whole inch between you and the girl you are kissing, so that any onlookers can see the hot tongue action.

Carry mouthwash in your handbag

A good cap full of Listerine will stop you from catching cooties and other orally transmitted diseases. It also means that any traces of her boyfriend will not end up in your mouth, meaning that your own boyfriend won't feel threatened.

Watch out for lesbians

Britain is inhabited by dozens of actual lesbians - that means women who engage in dark sexual practices with other women. These have on occasion, been known to prowl straight bars posing as bicurious women in order to try and pull unsuspecting straight women. Faking a sexuality is highly offensive and if you spot anybody trying to do so, you should report them to the police.

I like football but I'm a woman!

Fri, 19 Dec 2008 11:45:00 GMT

"But you can't be a girl! You like football!" said Brad, his brown eyes piercing my heart like cupid's arrow. (What I'm trying to say is that I was attracted to him.)

Brad's reaction is a common one. Guys see me with a beer in one hand and the other eye on the match and think "Wow!"

There is nothing more sexy to a man, than a woman wearing his favourite club's football shirt.

Manchester United is my favourite team because they have the best looking players but my wardrobe contains a replica kit for every single premiership team, and Arsenal. I'd say I'm more a fan of football than a fan of any particular team. This means that I can pick the most suitable shirt to charm a particular guy.

But don't imagine that I just pick a football shirt to match a man - that would be stupid. No sometimes I choose a shirt and let the man pick me. I can influence the type of man I end up shagging just by the colour of my shirt, for example when I wear black and white stripes I tend to attract men from the north, whilst plain white shirts appeal more to Londoners. I don't know why this is, it must be complicated science, but I have a knack for guessing correctly.

Bluff your way into football

1. If you can't remember your team's colour, go for red - it's statistically most likely.

2. If you can't remember which direction your team is shooting, toss a coin - that's how it's decided at the beginning of the match so it must be right.

3. People suddenly standing up and cheering can indicate a goal.

4. Avoid political correctness to really blend in. Homophobia is cool when football's concerned.

5. If you can't spot any players on the pitch, it might be half time.

6. Football matches last for approximately 26 songs, so make sure you have at least three albums ready to pass the time.

Before going to a match I always make sure I pick a waterproof mascara to give me the option of crying in response to a dramatic score. I also pick a really short skirt or tight fitting trousers to prove that I'm a size 8, since the shirts are too baggy to really show off my figure. Once I'm satisfied with my look in a full-length mirror, I'm ready to hit the pub.

I usually choose sports bars with large screens. I find myself a seat as close to the screen as possible so that people can't help looking at me. I've memorised key footballing moments such as The Corner Click and The Penalty Shooter. If I'm really trying to catch someone's eye, I stand up just as the match defining moment is about to take place. I sure get a lot of focus then.

Post-football match sex varies a lot. When a guy's team has lost he's generally unfocussed and boring, but bed a winner and you're a winner. When a man has just watched his football team win he is full of energy and passion. Sometimes I switch which team I'm supporting at half time just to get the better sex. Sometimes you have to move pub to pull that one off.

My friends are all jealous of my interest in football. They only wish they understood the game as best as I do. I say, "Well some of us are born more lucky than others."

Quiz - Are You Psychic?

Fri, 19 Dec 2008 11:20:00 GMT

A – Yes
B – No

A – Yes
B – No

A – Yes
B – No

A - Yes
B - No

A – Yes
B – No

A - Yes
B - No

A – Yes
B – No

A - Yes
B - No

A – Yes
B - No

A - Yes
B - No

MOSTLY As
Truly, you are gifted in the psychic department. Get out of our brains! Oh wait, we do that every Friday night with the double-episode of Corrie and a bottle of Gin. But of course you knew that...

MOSTLY Bs
Your abilities as a medium are medium. We suggest refining your Third Eye by inventing yourself a snappy moniker like Mystic Moira or Telepathic Tilda and opening a psychic hotline with truly unpredictable rates.

MOSTLY Cs
You are not psychic. This probably means you're educated or have high self-esteem. Poor thing! But don't fret, we will soon be selling a "Coach your inner psychic" paperback book which will help you put common sense at bay.

Belinda Blowhandle - Fat or what?

Fri, 19 Dec 2008 11:15:00 GMT

"Belinda would look good at any size, but I wouldn't be happy if I was that big." - Vatasha Rupert, Fashion Correspondent.

"There's nothin' on her that a good few turnips wouldn't sort out." - Mick McGregor, Random Farmer.

"The psychological torment she must be going through at a weight like this is something I don't dare to imagine. A nervous breakdown may be imminent." - Jayne Fott, Psychologist.

"I heard she eats children with Robbie Williams." - Glenda Gosworthy, Journalist

Horrorscropes - Autumn

Fri, 19 Dec 2008 11:10:00 GMT

Libra

LOVE: The Moon and Neptune try to slow your romantic pace this week, so be sure to cover yourself in magnets and wear roller skates at all times. Use travel as a means of meeting your potential mate by jetskiing a passing bus and see who comes dashingly dashing to your aid.

WORK: Expect a slower pace at work at the moment (especially if the jetskiing incident goes badly). This is no bad thing, though. By making the world’s longest paperclip sling you can secure your place in the Guiness Book of Records and achieve immortal fame.

FAMILY: You and a family member can’t see eye to eye. That’s probably because of the patch you’re wearing after the jetskiing incident.

FINANCES: The stars are allowing you to be more honest with yourself, and you’ll see that spending your entire wage cheque on one of Cheryl Cole’s used fake fingernails on eBay was a perfectly sound investment.

Scorpio

A problem with money midweek may see you short on funds, so don’t waste money on that expensive haircut when some nail scissors and a pritt stick will do the job. If you’re feeling particularly credit-becrunched and don’t want to shell out on clothes AND food, simply make your clothes out of Frazzles and enjoy the bacony flavour of eating yourself naked every night.

Sagittarius

You’re often seen jumping into situations which would be better left for time to solve. And public fountains. Slow your pace and for God’s sake put some clothes on (no, cling film doesn’t count).

Capricorn

Don’t think you can pull the wool over a black sheep’s, eye’s, any longer. You’ve knit your bed and now you’ve got dye in it, I should crochet.

Lucky number: Jack.

Aquarius

People in stone houses shouldn’t walk on glass ceilings, and there’s never been a more rambunctious time to listen to this advice. A long distance phone call will give you reason to wonder who you gave your number to that night in a bar in Torquay after half a lager shandy.

Pisces

If you’re thinking of learning something or brushing upon an existing talent, then? This is a great time to consider jetskiing. Lucky colour: puce. Lucky food: pigeon. Lucky German Baroque composer: Dieterich Buxtehude.

Aries

You’re in such a hurry to live your life that you’ve forgotten that you ABSOLUTELY MUST RELAX and have FUN. Someone who shouldn’t be affecting your life still is, and you’re allowing them this control. Steal their shoes.

Taurus

As the sun prepares to make its way into your solar plexis, Horatio, you start to reflect on your life. Hopefully, you’ll come out the other end a wiser soul. Don’t be dragged down by these thoughts – write them as memoirs and make others pay to be dragged down by them instead.

Gemini

A lie’s been told and you’re caught in the middle of it. This is what comes of advertising yourself on www.bigracksforstallions.com. Your love life needs sorting out and you’ll find yourself a more contented person if you’d only admit that Eli Dingle from Emmerdale isn’t real.

Cancer

Dreams come with hidden meanings, so it’s important that you get that one where you’re being repeatedly zapped by your sister with a laser gun called ‘success’ while your parents look on applaudingly analysed for nuanced meaning.

Leo

It’s not an easy week for you, but you can be successful if you don’t sleep. Keep a ready supply of matchsticks close at hand to prop up your eyelids, and if that fails, pay a cash-strapped student to act as your body double at work or in the home.

Virgo

House moves are going to be on your mind, mainly because your house is moving. In future, learn that ‘built on former duck pond/swamp’ doesn’t always put a property in the ‘cool’ column. Tiptoe around on cotton wool and don’t make any sudden movements. Ear plugs may help drown out the quacking.

Quiz - Are You Cheating on Your Boyfriend?

Fri, 19 Dec 2008 11:05:52 GMT

A - Yes
C - No
B - Only when I'm ovulating

A - Yes
C - No
B - It's his name

B - Yes
C - No
A - I don't have any female friends, only hunky men I want to shag

C - Yes
B - No
A - He's supposed to have a penis?

B - Yes
C - No
A - I don't care.

Mostly As - CHEAT!
You are definitely cheating on your boyfriend. Good for you. He's probably cheating on you anyway, so why not have some fun? But I don't need to tell you that, eh?

Mostly Bs - Potential CHEAT!
If you're not already cheating on your man then you may well be soon. You're the type who gives other men a blow job but saves real sex for your boyfriend. This is a good way to keep a clean conscience.

Mostly Cs - Not a CHEAT!
You are probably not cheating on your boyfriend. Either he is great in the sack or you have low standards. Either way, your relationship is bound for great things.

Top 10 bedroom mistakes

Fri, 19 Dec 2008 11:00:00 GMT

Everyone knows that there's no quicker way to get a gal dumped than making a mistake in the bedroom. Here are some things to avoid if you want to keep your man.

1. Having a furry muff

Women are not attractive unless they look like 7 year old girls down below. The only pubic hair you should consider is The Landing Strip, a narrow line of neatly trimmed hair that leads to your perfectly waxed crease.

2. Using the 'L' Word

Do not let the words "I love you" leave your lips. No man wants to hear it. If you want to talk soppy, speak to your teddy.

3. Keeping him all to yourself

All men want to have a threesomes. Realise that you're not enough for him, accept the fact and then get that hot friend of yours to jump into bed with you.

4. Being more than a size 8

If a man wanted something he could hold onto he'd have sex with a hippo. Sometimes a man can trick you into thinking he wants you to eat, for example by taking you to dinner but he will soon realise his mistake when he sees those love handles. Be sure to have some eye drops in your handbag, they are a great laxative.

5. Always using your own name

Even if you have a strong relationship your boyfriend will eventually cheat on you. All you can do is delay the event by providing him with as much variety as possible in the bedroom. Try different outfits, wigs and names. Why not be Gina the Gynecologist from Greenwich or Trisha the Ticket Operator for the Transpennine Express.

6. Neglecting his 'Z' Spot

A man's 'Z' spot is located exactly five millimetres below his right nostril and two centimeters to the left. It is one of the seven erogenous zones of man and is best stimulated with a 'Z' spot vibrator for example the Nostril Nibbler from Anne Simmers.

7. Making him go down

Your bits are icky; they are slimy and gooey. Would you want to put that in your mouth? He doesn't, so don't make him.

8. Being too quiet

Not all sex is enjoyable; sometimes you will find a man who is just piss poor in bed, or a relative has just died and you're not really in the mood. Never let him know. No matter how bored you are you must always imagine that you're in a screeching contest with the neighbours across the road. If you don't pamper his ego he will find someone who does.

9. Complaining about not having an orgasm

Why should you have an orgasm every time you have sex? It only takes you ten minutes to pleasure him and he might have to put in 20 minutes to satisfy you. Don't be so selfish. Buy yourself a good book and let him go to sleep straight after he's shot his wad.

10. Objecting to porn

Let your man look at as much porn as he likes. After a long day at work you might be looking a bit greasy or sweaty and he has to get his appetite from somewhere.

Save Money on Must Have Beauty Treatments

Fri, 19 Dec 2008 10:50:00 GMT

Go blonde

Why spend £50 at the hairdresser when you can get a home bleaching kit for £5. Why spend £5 on a home bleaching kit when you can simply squeeze lemon juice into your hair every single night ever, to lighten your shade?

Home waxing

Beauticians are expensive and who wants a stranger looking at their fajita? Invest in some some hot wax and cotton strips. You might end up bruised or bleeding but if you don't try to wax your bits will definitely stall all wiry and disgusting.

Botox

Granted, it's quite pricey but this is one thing you cannot be without. Even if you're under 20 it's best to pre-empt wrinkles because if you're still single when you're 25, the last thing you want is some fresh faced teenager upstaging you.

Body wraps

Body wraps help to compact the soft body tissue. You can get a friend to administer one using toilet roll (preferably clean.) Stand in the centre of the room and get your pal to run around you in circles holding the toilet roll until you look like an Egyptian mummy. Secure with sellotape.

Note: Make sure your friend comes back the following morning to release you. Women have died in home body wrap accidents.

Nail surrogacy

False nails can be expensive so if you're a biter, find a friend who can grow her nails and then chop the ends off while she sleeps. These can be attached with super glue. Finish with a coat of a dark nail polish, to disguise the joins.

I almost became a lesbian!

Fri, 19 Dec 2008 10:45:00 GMT

"By the time you realise what you've lost I'll have moved on!" I cried as I slammed down the phone. My boyfriend, Toby, had just dumped me after two years. He'd found somebody blonder.

"You are at best, dirty blonde," he told me. The worst part was that I couldn't argue with him. Even when I used bleach, my eyebrows gave me away.

That night I went out with one agenda - to get hammered. It was in the back of my mind that perhaps I'd have some rebound sex but how was I to know what horrors lay in store?

I called up my best mate Pam, but she said "Sorry Debbie, no can do. I'm having dinner with my man tonight." So it was going to be just me and several tequilas.

By the time I'd put on my best fishnet leggings it was already 10 o'clock so I only had time for six drinks at my local before closing time.

"I'm sorry love, but it's time," said the sympathetic land lord, Boris. I already knew I wasn't ready to go home.

Perhaps it was my inebriated state that stopped my from asking Boris to suggest another bar, I do not know, but one thing lead to another and I ended up in a pub I had never been to before called The Jolly Milkmaid.

Before long my leggings got to work and I found myself being ogled by a cute boy with spiky hair. It wasn't until after we'd snogged three times that my new tonsil tennis opponent started to speak.

"Can I get you a drink?" she asked. I realised the my horror that it wasn't a boy at all but a girl!

Had I not been really thirsty I would have left right away but I really wanted another tequila. I know it's wrong to lead lesbians on but all I could think about was Toby and how he'd be kicking himself if he could see me now.

When the lesbian asked me to go home with her I began to sober up and explained that I was straight before bolting towards the door and rushing home so fast that I even took my shoes off so that I could run in my bare feet.

Now I have a new boyfriend called Ralph. We are very much in love and I can't imagine being with anybody else. I will never forget how close I came to batting for the wrong team or stop thanking my lucky stars that I found my way back to the path of true happiness. I've realised that no matter how low you go, there are enough men out there for everybody.

Man Facts

Fri, 19 Dec 2008 10:38:00 GMT

72% of men say their ideal woman would be their best mate in Cheryl Cole's body, with Cameron Diaz's ears.

22% of men have been dumped by text. 27% of men refuse to speak to their girlfriend when they sense she is about to dump them.

Nearly 50% of men in the UK have penises shorter than the national average! Poor us!

77% of men like football. 33% don't.

All men are happy because ignorance is bliss.

Single men have slept with 3 women for every year of their adult life. Attached men have slept with 2 per year.

Statistics show that you will live six years longer than your husband, so rob cradles.

In New York men are 10 times as likely to be murdered than women. So don't marry an American.

99% of men interviewed by FHM are straight. 10% homos? Pah!

What Men REALLY Mean

Fri, 19 Dec 2008 10:30:00 GMT

What he says / What he really means

"ABCDEFG." = Beer, tits, wank, football, wank, threesome, booze.

"Hello girlfriend." = I acknowledge that there are two breasts in the room.

"Good evening girlfriend." - I acknowledge that there are two breasts in the room and I need artificial light to see them.

"Perhaps Columbo is a repeat." - If you don't let me watch the football I will cut the heals off all your shoes and then leave you.

"I don't want to meet your mother." - I am a commitment phobic fuckwit who will eventually leave you for another woman.

"I would really like to meet your mother." - I am an over-sensitive fuckwit who will eventually leave you for your mother.

"I find other women attractive." - I am either a power junkie who is trying to make you feel bad or a disloyal fuckwit with wandering hands.

"I don't find other women attractive." - I am a smooth talking fuckwit who lies through his teeth.

"Yabba dabba do!" - Yay I'm going to get some.

"Come on down!" - Yay I'm going to get some.

"Aha!" - Yay I'm going to get some.

"Danger, Will Robinson!" - Yay I'm going to get some.

"Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!" - Yay I'm going to get some.

Feminism Schmeminism

Fri, 19 Dec 2008 10:28:00 GMT

Feminists:

- Have saggy breasts (due to the burning of their bras)

- Don't swallow

- Don't wax their legs

- Eat their own babies

Men like:

- Pert breasts

- Women who swallow

- Smooth legs

- Vegetarians

You do the maths!

Who's Belinda's New Friend

Fri, 19 Dec 2008 10:17:00 GMT

Belinda was spotted at her local park with a mystery woman. Could this be a new friend or is she going to go all Lindsay Lohan on us, and get a girlfriend?

Body language expert Moira Muscletoe says:

"The girls are both adopting the same posture suggesting that they are comfortable with each other but this similarity may mean trouble is in their path as they could clash on important issues such as whose boyfriend to have a threesome with first."

Should you get back with your ex?

Fri, 19 Dec 2008 10:17:00 GMT

Most couples who get married have, at some point, broken up and got back together so cut your man some slack if he wants you back. However some relationships are doomed to fail.

Here are some things to consider before taking back your ex:

1. Does he smell of kippers?

2. Did he cheat on you more than twice?

3. Does he have a scary dog?

4. Does he check the football scores when you're out on a date?

5. Did he steal from you often?

6. Is he married to somebody under 35?

7. Has he ever pretended to be dying to get a shag?

If the answer to any of these is "Yes" then you should probably give your ex a wider birth that Belinda Blowhandle's waist.

Position of the moment - Vegetable Preparation

Fri, 19 Dec 2008 10:14:00 GMT

Put a stack of pillows on the edge of your bed. Place a chopping board, a knife and some potatoes in the middle of the bed, just beyond the pillows,

Stand on the floor and lean forward over the pillows so that you are face to face with the chopping board. Ensure that your arms of free to do the pealing.

Now your man mounts you from behind and gets a good doggy style ride without delaying his dinner.

Note: If you are blessed with particularly good rhythm you can use his thrusting motion to power the peeling action, saving your wrist the effort.

Photo welcome.

Sudoku for Women

Fri, 19 Dec 2008 10:03:00 GMT

Sudoku is a mathematical game, which means that most women find it really difficult. However why should we have to miss out? That's sexisim!

That's why we've developed this special Sudoku for women.

Brandon Brenda uses landline!

Fri, 19 Dec 2008 10:02:00 GMT

Who'd have thought that a celebrity who could afford any phone contract under the sun, would choose to use a landline!

Is Brandon on the brink of a nervous breakdown?

Psychoanalyst Jayne Fott says:

"Brandon started off as one of the people and is struggling to keep her feet on the ground now that she's found fame. Using a BT landline is her way of trying to stay connected with her roots."

Essential shoes

Fri, 19 Dec 2008 10:01:00 GMT

In the current economical climate, excess footwear is a luxury that you may have to forgo - or put simply, don't buy any unnecessary shoes!

Put Me Down has come up with a list of essential shoes to help you decide which shoes you must have, and which can stay on the shelf.

Buy

1. Black evening shoes.

2. Evening shoes in the colour of your favourite dress.

3. Evening shoes in the colour of your second favourite dress.

4. Dressy boots

5. Casual boots

6. Trainers that look good with your favourite jeans

7. Trainers that match a fashionable sport

8. Work shoes

9. Special work shoes for Monday after weekends when you pulled a colleague

10. Summer sandals (in the sale for next year)

11. Slimmer summer sandals (in case you lose weight by next summer)

12. Ice skates - a must have this season

Don't buy

1. Evening shoes in the colour of your third favourite dress.

2. Welly boots

3. Practical trainers

4. Slippers

Readers Letters: Shark in the Cornish Waters

Tue, 09 Dec 2008 00:00:00 GMT

Whilst on holiday in Falmouth I noticed a quite large shark in the bathing area. I was able to take a photo which I later used to identify its species - a Great White! Luckily nobody seemed to get eaten.

Readers Letters: I'm mad!

Mon, 17 Nov 2008 12:00:00 GMT

Look at me! You may think I'm a loony but actually this is the sort of thing I do all the time. I am a loon!

Readers Letters: Beach thing

Wed, 06 Aug 2008 00:00:00 GMT

My bloke Ash has low self-esteem so I wrote this in the sand and took a photo for him so he'll always remember who's the best boyfriend in the world.

Readers Letters: Swan

Tue, 06 May 2008 10:10:00 GMT

Look at this swan trying to lick its own bits! Fortunately I have a hunky gardener, Sid, to ruffle my feathers and make me whoop!

Money Making Tips: Cheap and easy pets

Sun, 02 Nov 2008 00:00:00 GMT

If you can't afford a kitten make yourself dinosaurs. They are cheap to maintain and don't bring in very big mice.

Money Making Tips: Play Equipment

Fri, 03 Oct 2008 00:00:00 GMT

If you can't afford to buy a climbing frame for your garden, look out for something known as a "park." There seem to be lots of them to be found in residential areas - what luck!

Money Making Tips: Photographer Tip

Wed, 01 Oct 2008 00:00:00 GMT

If you don't have any friends simply take your photograph in front of a mirror, that way you won't need to pay for a photographer.

Money Making Tips: Calm Jealous Men for Free

Wed, 10 Sep 2008 00:00:00 GMT

My boyfriend used to get jealous and suspicious if he didn't know where I was but then he bought me a lead and it's saved us a fortune on private detectives.

Ghost sightings: Edinburgh Ghost

Mon, 01 Dec 2008 00:00:00 GMT

I was petrified when met with a Scottish ghost when I visited Edinburgh. However fortunately I was brave enough to get out my camera and take this blood chilling snap.

Ghost sightings: Ghost Barbie

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 00:00:00 GMT

I thought my daughter's Barbie was just an ordinary toy but then I saw it flying.

Ghost sightings: Frilly

Sat, 01 Nov 2008 00:00:00 GMT

My house is haunted by a frilly ghost. We call it Frilly the Ghost.

Ghost sightings: Cornflake Girl

Wed, 29 Oct 2008 00:00:00 GMT

I found a ghost in my cereal. It's been years since I got anything decent in a breakfast packet!

Ghost sightings: Run, run run as fast as you can

Wed, 01 Oct 2008 00:00:00 GMT

I left gingerbread dough on my worktop while I went to powder my nose and when I cam back, it had formed a ghostly shape! Spooky!

Ghost sightings: Police Woman at Taj Mahal

Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 GMT

I couldn't help noticing, during a recent trip to India, how much the cloud formation resembled a British policewoman.

Ghost sightings: A Ghost in the Hand...

Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 GMT

They say some ghosts only show up in photographs. How was I to know, when I posed for this photo, that there was actually a ghost right in my hand!

Lonely Heart: Groover Wants Groovy Gal

Sun, 23 Nov 2008 10:10:25 GMT

Funky good-looker seeks woman who doesn't take herself too seriously, preferably with own recording studio.

Lonely Heart: Dog Walker Wanted

Sun, 23 Nov 2008 10:05:25 GMT

Curious nature loving, dog mad, lactose intolerant 25 year old seeks same for romantic moonlit dog walks.

Lonely Heart: Gardening Great

Sun, 23 Nov 2008 10:00:25 GMT

Committed farmer seeks milk maid for frolics in the hay.